


Communicating With Your Spouse Or I Prefer To Text

by cdelbridge



Category: johnlock - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 18:56:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 4,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18879214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cdelbridge/pseuds/cdelbridge
Summary: Sherlock loves texting.





	1. Chapter 1

“John! What did Lestrade want again? My interest level died and my brain went off-line. SH”

“Your brain went off-line?!?! Is that why you screamed, went face down on the table, twitched and then snored?!?!”

“I DO NOT SNORE!!! And I was trying to make a point! SH”

You made a point all right! That you’re a first class arse!”

“Why thank you John! I do have a first class arse and you should appreciate it more. SH”

“I appreciate your arse just fine in case you’ve forgotten!”

“My, my! Testy aren’t we! SH”

“If I am testy it’s because you make me that way!”

“Would you like to fondle my testes? SH”

“Do you think you deserve being fondled? You’ve been a total dick tonight.”

“You can see that as well. And soon! This is our stop. SH”

The taxi stopped in front of 221B and John paid the driver. Sherlock gallantly held the door for his spouse and together they walked into their building.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock misplaces John

“John! OMG, John! Where are you? SH”

“Sherlock, I’m two aisles away! I told you I was going to get milk! Check your messages!”

“But John, I was fending off Mycroft and missed your text! When I turned around, you were gone. SH”

“So you panicked.”

“I never panic! I thought someone had picked you up and carried you off. SH”

“You know you could always yell! I’ve heard you. And what did your brother want?”

“Did you pick up the jam I like? And yes I can yell but shouting, “oh John, your arse feels divine”, in the middle of Tesco seems a tad extreme. SH”

“What did you brother want??”

“Now I could yell many things in the middle of the store but I thought you might be embarrassed. SH” 

“Since when did you care about my embarrassment? What did your brother want?”

“I always care. SH”

“SHERLOCK! What did Mycroft want?”

“Oh something to do with the Crown Jewels being fakes or something. Told him I wasn’t interested. Did you get honey? SH”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confess! You can see this happening.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock discovers emojis. God help us.

“John! 🐝🐝🐝🐝! SH”

“Sherlock, I see you’ve discovered emojis. God help us.”

“These are great! What do you think I’m saying here? 🐝⛳️🦔. SH”

“I am not a hedgehog!”

“Yes you are! You’re cute, cuddly and prickly. Did you get it? SH”

“I take it you’re the bee. Didn’t know you knew anything about golf but I’m guessing you want to score a hole in one with the hedgehog.”

“Yes John. Obvious. 🐝🍯🦔❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ SH”

“You’d love to pour honey on me?”

“You’re good John! I’ve always said that. SH”

“Have you found an emoji for Mycroft?”

“🍰! 🐝”

“How did I guess? Lestrade?”

“🐺. 🐝”

“Mrs Hudson?”

“🐡. 🐝”

“A puffer fish??!! That’s funny. Molly?”

“🐈.🐝”

“I should have guessed. Anderson?”

“🃏. 🐝”

“Not your best work. Donovan?”

“🦟. 🐝”

“Work on those. I’m getting in the shower.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Actually out of town so has a legit reason to text.

“Sherlock! Have you arrived in New York City?”

“Sherlock?”

“SHERLOCK! Don’t make me have Mycroft call the airline to see if you really got on the plane!”

“Honestly John, I was asleep. You are always after me to sleep and then when I do, you get irate. SH”

“And yes I’m in New York City. Why New York City and then the state of New York? Do you suppose they ran out of names? SH”

“John? John?? John!!! SH”

“Gees Sherlock, I was asleep. So what’s the weather like? Are you going to come back with a tan?”

“It’s humid John! It’s hot and humid! I can’t even wear my Belstaff it’s so hot! SH”

“Wow! Poor baby! You should wear shorts, a T-shirt, a Yankees ball cap and flip flops!”

“Flip flips? I’m divorcing you! SH”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laryngitis has taken down the great detective, much to John’s entertainment.

“John!!!!!! I think I’m dying John. Why are you not here holding my hand as I die? SH”

“Seriously? You’re not dying! You have the flu as well as a really stunning case of laryngitis. I’m at the store getting medications to make you feel better and to knock you out which will make me feel better. And maybe a surprise....”

“Is this where you said you’d pour honey on my parts and eat your way to my heart? Cause I can’t breathe through my nose. You might want to wait a couple of days. I’d probably expire in the middle of an orgasm from lack of oxygen. SH”

“I’m not telling you. You can’t deduce it? You really must be at death’s door.”

“Haha, you’re making fun of me at such a time! You’re not a nice man! SH”

“I’m almost done. Anything else I should bring home?”

“A bazooka would be nice. I’ve always wanted one. Maybe some curry. SH”

“Right, one bazooka. I’m sure Tesco’s has them near the checkouts...”


	6. Chapter 6

“Sherlock! Your brother is at the door.”

“Sherlock! I know you’re hiding.”

“Mycroft is on his way up to you!”

“Sherlock! Sherlock!”

“Oh John, did you say something? I’m not in the flat. SH”

“Sherlock! Are you on the roof? You think Mycroft can’t get you up there right? I wouldn’t bet on that.”

“Oh please John. 🍰 couldn’t possibly fit out the window. SH”

“You are really bad sometimes! And not in a good way.”

“Fuck! How the hell did 🍰 fit out the window? Make him go away John! SH”

“Maybe if you did what he wanted without being a total pain he’d go away faster. Ever think of that ?”

“I’m not talking to you 🦔! You’re mean to your wonderful husband for no apparent reason. SH”

“John, John, John! Come up here and get rid of him. He’s threatening to make me take this case. It’s your fault he’s here! Deal with him! SH”

“John??? SH”

“Seriously John? Ok, I’m coming down but only because I want to see him get off the roof. SH”

“Oh, and I volunteered your services for the case. You might want to schedule a bespoke lingerie fitting soon. Just saying. SH”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John’s phone dies and Sherlock loses his mind.

“John! How about Angelos for dinner? I’m almost done with Lestrade and can be there in an hour. SH”

“John? We can go somewhere else if you’d like but I’m feeling sentimental and want to revisit the scene of our first dinner. SH”

“John?? Are you alright? Where are you? SH”

“John! I’m seriously thinking of calling 🍰 so you know I’m worried. SH”

“John! John! Please answer! I’m so worried about you! 🍰 is checking cameras now! Lestrade is checking all precincts! I’d be lost if something happened to you. SH”

“John! Hold on baby. We’ll find you! SH”

“Sherlock! Take a breath! Breathe! My mobile died after I dropped it. I’ve been at the store replacing it and there was a line. I’m so sorry to have worried you! I’m on my way home. I’ll pick up curry on the way. I love you.”

“Oh and Sherlock, please quit calling your brother 🍰. It’s just rude, even for you.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is at a medical conference.

“John! Are you back yet? SH”

“Gees Sherlock! I just got here. It’s only for a few days. It will go fast.”

“No it won’t. SH” 

“Don’t pout! And no making up fake emergencies, again, to try and get me home early!”

“You’re no fun John! And the last one could have happened! SH” 

“I’ll grant you that with you anything is possible but a bomb leveling London and Baker St remaining intact isn’t likely.”

“All right. I guess I’ll work on an experiment or something. SH”

“I miss you! Could you send me a picture of you? Doesn’t have to be unclothed even, I just really miss you.” 

“I don’t know. Do you think you deserve one? SH”

“Sherlock! It’s a medical conference and in a specialty I’m interested in! It will go fast! And yes, I do deserve one.”

“Says you! Maybe I’m not feeling photogenic. SH”

“Oh please! Have you looked in the mirror?”

“I’ll send you one. And bring you home a present.”

“Bribery now John? Seriously? SH”

“I’m taking off my pants!”

“Gees John! Don’t tease! Hold on while I get the popcorn... SH”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock sends pornographic pictures to the wrong person!

“John! Did you like the pictures??? You haven’t commented and I think my erection was particularly impressive. SH”

“What pictures? I didn’t get anything.”

“Don’t play with me John! What do you mean you didnt get them? SH”

“Sherlock, listen to me. I DIDNT GET ANY PICTURES!! You could resend them but you might also want to see who you actually sent them to.”

“Seriously? Oh fuck me! Who the hell...SH”

“Sherlock? Sherlock? Who did you send them to?”

“Sherlock? Are you ok? Who did you send them to?”

“Sherlock? I can’t get home for another couple hours. Tell me, who did you send them to?”

“John. I’m ready to die. Just kill me now. SH”

“Sherlock? Don’t make me guess. Who did you send them to?”

“My mother! She sent back a comment telling me I needed to use lotion as I looked chaffed. I’m dying John! SH”

“John? SH”

“John? Are you laughing at me? SH”

“If you don’t answer me I’ll send her ones of you. SH”

“John? The pictures are ready to send. Just a push of a button if you don’t answer me. SH”

“Is this Sherlock? This is Nurse Carter. I work with your husband. He’s rolling around on the ground screaming and can’t come to the phone. Is everything all right?”

“Yes, just tell him my mother thinks he’s cute. He’ll understand. SH”


	10. Surgery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock gets very chatty under general anesthesia.

“Sherlock! I cannot believe you! Do you know what you told the operating room???”

“John. Don’t type so loud. I’m not awake. What are you talking about? SH”

“My husband, the love of my life, told an entire operating room full of people that I give great head! And then proceeded to describe, in detail, my technique! What the fuck Sherlock! I work with some of these people!”

“Sorry John but I can’t be held responsible for something that I said under general anesthesia. Are you sure I said that? Doesn’t sound like me. SH”

“Am I sure you said it? One of the nurses, who knew me from the Army, could barely contain her laughter. Said she’d like to see me on my knees, aiming to please, as well.”

“John. My head hurts and I’m falling asleep. Can we discuss this later? Besides, I gave your technique two thumbs up! SH”

“Next time you hurt yourself doing something stupid I’m demanding that they knock your arse out good!”

“Sherlock?”

“Sherlock?”

“You’re snoring, you look adorable and I’m glad you think my technique is so great. But don’t tell everyone. By the way, I love you.”

“Love you John... SH”


	11. You Never Take Me Anywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the tile suggests!

“John. John. You never take me anywhere. Are you embarrassed by me? SH”

“What??? Sherlock, where is this coming from? Of course I’m not embarrassed by you. I love you, am married to you, have followed you all over London and have done erotic things with you in public.”

“Well I was at the morgue today waiting for Molly. And I was waiting forever and it was boring so I picked up a magazine. SH”

“Oh Sherlock! Don’t tell me you read a women’s magazine with dating tips and such again? I told Molly to keep those away from you!”

“Well, are you???? SH”

“What? Embarrassed by you? No! Sometimes you say things at the wrong time, sometimes you’re offensive, sometimes you’re lazy but I love every insane thing about you! You’re my husband, the love of my life and my 🐝! OK?”

“Ok, can we go to Angelos then? I want to flaunt my husband as well as revisit the scene of our first date. 🐝”

“OK but no more magazines! OK?”

“Ok.🐝”

“John. Do you think my arse is fat?..SH”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s for a case John!

“Sherlock. Sherlock! SHERLOCK!! What the hell did I just walk in on?”

“What did it look like John? SH”

“It looked like you were shaving all your body hair, you had a facial mask on and your hair in curlers. Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“My annoying brother 🍰 just insisted that we take this case. The fate of the world, or at least the British empire, is at stake. I strongly suggested an all expense paid vacation to the Bahamas as payment and he readily agreed. SH”

“He agreed?? What’s the case?”

“Some boring thing I didn’t get all the details about. Something involving me in high cut panties, heels and god knows what else. Evidently there will be several men dressed like this. SH”

“Your feet aren’t exactly small. Heels that big must be hard to come by.”

“Obviously we need to expand your horizons. Some of the best kink stores sell large sizes, then there’s always the bespoke places which have expanded their offerings to cater to men as well as on-line offerings. SH”

“Do I have a part in this fiasco?”

“Of course. You get to be one of the models for all the sex toys. You know cock rings and cages, butt plugs, anal beads and so on. You’ll strut around in them, show the little old ladies how to use the merchandise while I look for our smuggler. SH”

“What!!!!! WTF did you get us into?? No!”

“Gees John! I could hear you shriek all the way in the bathroom. You don’t have to shave you know. SH”

“Sherlock! I am not letting little old ladies stroke my cock!”

“John, I’m sure they’ll want to fondle and squeeze but not much else. If they want to give you head, point to me and tell them I’m the jealous type. SH”

“Head?!?! Oh fuck no!”

“John, what’s the phrase, “lie back and think of England”? SH”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock doesn’t come home as expected

“Sherlock! Where are you? I brought dinner home!”

“Sherlock? You’re not in the flat or on the roof. You could at least do me the curtesy of answering.”

“Sherlock! Lestrade just called to see if you got delayed. Said you were supposed to meet up with the team twenty minutes ago. What gives?”

“Baby, I’m about to call your brother and you know how I hate doing that. He always acts like such a high class snot.”

“Sherlock this isn’t funny! I actually called 🍰 and I’m actually calling him that now which should tell you how upset I am.”

“Sherlock!! Hold on, the cameras show you getting hit over the head and thrown into a car. I swear I’ll take London apart with my bare hands if I have to!”

(from Sherlock’s phone). “Is this the good Dr Watson??? I have your little boy-toy. He’s cute. I’m thinking of keeping him for myself. JM”

“Who are you? If you don’t unhand my spouse, unharmed, there will be no place for you to hide.”

“Ooh, spouse! Well isn’t that cute. Did you have a wedding? Did Sherlock wear white? Oh, was this what the Americans call a shotgun wedding? JM”

“Who are you? Where is Sherlock?”

“Oh tsk tsk. I hear sirens. Well this has been fun buts it’s just to show you I can come and get him whenever it suits me. Oh, and you know me better as Moriarty. Jim Moriarty. Ta!”

“John! This is Mycroft! We’ve got him. He’s been drugged. Meet us at Bart’s.”

To be continued....


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moriarty part two

”John! Where are you? SH”

”Hey! You’re awake! I went to get coffee. I’ll be right back. Want anything?”

”Coffee with lots of sugar. I have a nasty headache. SH”

”They said the drugs you were given may do that. I’ll be right there. Mycroft’s men are at the door in case you were worried.”

”I’m not worried. For me. If that psychopath were to harm you though, I would not rest until I ripped him limb from limb. SH”

”Funny, I told him the exact same thing.”

Extended silence

“Did you fall asleep? I’m almost back to your room.”

”No John, just thinking. John, would you marry me, again? I’d like to renew our vows. SH”

”Absolutely! But why?”

”I just realized how much you mean to me and how much I stand to lose. SH”

”Lets do it next week! Oh and I brought cheesecake to go with the coffee!”


	15. Anthea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthea makes an appearance at 221B

“John! Who the hell is pounding on the door? SH”

”How the hell would I know Sherlock! You’re closer to the window! Look! Or, better yet, answer the damn door!”

”Why would I want to do that? Oh, Mrs Hudson got it. Damn, they’re coming up the steps. SH”

”Sherlock! It’s for you! Where the hell did you go?”

“Sherlock, it’s Anthea, or whatever she’s calling herself these days. She wants to discuss your brother.”

”Sherlock.”

“Sherlock!”

”Oh what John! I don’t want to deal with 🍰 or his minion. Her name is actually Margaret. Hey, let’s find an emoji for her... SH”

“Sherlock! If you don’t get down here I’ll send her up to the roof!”

”🏇 for her? I’ve always theorized that she rode my brother like a hobby horse. She’s wearing a skirt John so she won’t climb and hose are slippery on the metal rungs. I’m safe. SH”

“How about a shish kebab... Yep, there we go, Anthea is now 🍡. But only because I can’t find a Twinkie one for her. SH”

”I’m going to hate myself for asking but why a Twinkie?”

”Minions look like animated Twinkies John! Do try to keep up! SH”


	16. If I Must!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are invited to a pic-nic. Sherlock needs to buy shorts and a bathing suit. For 221B Challenge!

“John! I don’t want to do this. SH”

“Too bad. We already said we’d go to the annual NSY Pic-Nic. We can’t back out now.”

“But John!...SH”

“No buts Sherlock! Take yourself into the dressing room and try them on. Surely you’ve worn shorts before!”

“Well, yes, but..SH”

“But what Sherlock?”

“The bathing suit is giving me trouble. I’m hanging out of it. SH”

“What is hanging out of it?? I’m lost!”

“Seriously??? SH”

“Do you have an erection from trying on the bathing suit!!!!! Could you take a picture??? Please!”

”You are being very mean to me! I don’t want to go to this stupid event anyway, I’m trying to go along with it for your sake and you’re laughing at me! SH”

“Ok, Ok, you’re right. I’m sorry. Now what kind are you getting? Regulation trunks I presume? They usually have built in underwear to keep things under control.”

“Dull. SH”

“Well yes but not every piece of clothing needs to be a bespoke fashion statement! You can simply buy a pair not custom-fit to your body.”

“John, once again you are missing the point! SH”

“What point? If you’re getting an erection simply from trying them on you need more sex in your life.”

“Be that as it may John, you’re still missing the point! SH”

“Which is?”

“I’m buying a Speedo and what’s hanging out are my balls!”


	17. What do you buy for Mrs Hudson???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s Mrs Hudson’s birthday and Sherlock is getting the gift.

“John! Why can’t we just get Mrs Hudson a gift certificate to her favorite porn store? It would save time and she’d enjoy it so much more. SH”

“Porn store? Mrs Hudson in a porn store??? She has a favorite store??? I’m dying!”

“Seriously John? You do realize that’s where I met her right? I was researching a case and got into an argument with her on the merits of edible underwear. My psyche hasn’t been the same. SH”

“No I didn’t know that! I suppose a gift certificate would be easier than trying to pick something out for her. Although if I hear moaning and batteries humming from downstairs I’ll puncture my own eardrums.”

“Don’t be ridiculous John! Besides, I think she’s more into pegging than vibrators. SH”

“John? SH”

“John? Are you alright? You know you can’t bleach your mental screen right? SH”

“Ok, well I got her a gift certificate and some chocolate cocks. She’ll love them. SH”

“John? John? Breathe John. Breathe into a paper bag if you must. SH”

“Ok, well I’m almost home. I got you a present as well. You’d better not be dead John because I really want to see how this thing works. SH”


	18. Sherlock!  Help!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets locked in the bathroom

“Sherlock! Where are you?!?! Remember the bathroom doorknob we kept saying we were going to fix? Well it fell off and I’m locked in the bathroom! Get me out!”

“Seriously John? I really don’t remember an issue with the bathroom door. Are you just trying to get me home and have your way with me? SH”

“Sherlock!!! Don’t be an arse! Come get me out of the bathroom!”

“Well I’m kinda busy John, remember that case Lestrade had called about? It turns out it’s a solid four! SH”

“Sherlock Mother-Fucking Holmes! What’s more important, me or a case that you solved before you got off the phone with Greg! And Mrs Hudson isn’t home so I can’t call her.”

“Well gee John, you keep complaining that you don’t have time to read. This could be your best opportunity. I left some great reading material in there. The Journal Of Forensic Studies is especially good. SH”

“Are you out of your mind??? Don’t answer that. Just get back here and get me out of the goddamn bathroom!”

“What’s it worth to you? SH”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!”

“Gees John, I’m right outside the bathroom door. I swear I heard you squeal. Now where is that doorknob??? SH”


	19. John!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock is happy!

“John!!!! This is great! Oh there is a god and I have proof!!! SH”

“What??? What?!?! You didn’t order that microscope I told you not to did you?”

“No John! Do keep up! Porn emojis!!!! SH”

”Oh dear god....”

”Just think John! I can quit referring to you as 🦔🍆! Appropriate as it may be! SH”

”Sherlock...”

”The things I can say in pictures! I can’t wait to download the ap!! SH”

”Sherlock!”

”And you can call me something other than 🐝🦴. SH”

”I’m seriously considering asking your brother to arrest whomever designed such a thing. What good is knowing and putting up with him if he can’t do something of value.”

“Oh please! We could have a new emoji for Mycroft! I mean 🍰 is great but we need something like a blow up doll or a neuter Ken doll. SH”

”You’re making my head hurt.”

”The possibilities are endless! I’m going to be in my mind palace for awhile! SH”

”And I’m going to call 🍰, I mean Mycroft!” 


	20. Wake Up John!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is in the hospital and our detective isn’t dealing well.

“John, words cannot express how much I need to hear from you and see you hunt and peck over your keyboard. The doctors sound positive that you’ll pull through this but I can’t get around the knowledge that it’s my fault you’re in this bed. I feel so alone. SH”

~~~~~~

“Dearest John, the criminals who threw you off the bridge have been caught. Lestrade won’t let me interrogate them which might be a good thing. I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions or able to hold back. Love you. SH”

~~~~~~

“John, Mrs Hudson stopped in to see you and force fed me. Seriously! The woman may be tiny but god help anyone who tries to go against her. I’m not sure what I ate but I think pasta may have been involved. And coffee. I feel very alert. I think Angelo had a hand in this. SH”

~~~~~~~

“John, dear god my parents came by to see you. My mother yelled at me and made me go home to change, shower and sleep as they would be here for you. I felt guilty but have to admit I feel more human. Don’t tell anyone but my parents have their moments. SH”

~~~~~~~

“John, I’ve been reading to you in case you didn’t notice. I found a book in the lobby on Ulysses S. Grant (US president and Civil War general). If you wake up with a sudden desire to lead a Calvary charge its not my fault! It was either that or “Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm”. I’d slit my wrists first. SH”

~~~~~~~

“Dearest John, the doctors have told me they’re going to take you out of the medically induced coma tomorrow. I’m scared senseless but so anxious to see your beautiful blue eyes and talk to you. They moved a bed into your room for me as they got the idea I wasn’t going anywhere. Morons! Took them long enough! SH”

~~~~~~~~

To be continued....

**Author's Note:**

> I confess, my spouse and I do this but not to this degree.
> 
> Sometimes I write absolute fluff!


End file.
